HIV tests are more positive than that guy
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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