3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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