I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
The best revenge is premature balding
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
