Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
