So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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