Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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