You made me cry and you don't even care
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
