I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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