i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
