Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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