I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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