sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
