I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
