she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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