I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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