also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
