dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
