bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Enjoy the penises
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
