Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
