I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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