you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
