Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
