I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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