I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
All I want is dick and wine.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
