no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
