Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
