why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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