My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
