So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
