I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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