Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
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Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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