I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
