I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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