I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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