Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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