My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
