I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
They have beer where we have blood.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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