shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I understand Curling. That high.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
