fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
