My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
