Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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