I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
