I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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