i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
