you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
