i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
