I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
