i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
