I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
