You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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