I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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