I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
