So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
