I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Also, beer. Big fan.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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