Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
