If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
