I'm so fucking centered right now
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
