I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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