Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
