Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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