It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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