Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
