he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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