I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sorry about my life...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
