My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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